I'm having a bay shower June 23rd thanks to Angela Collins who practically insisted. Otherwise I would have chickened out. (Thanks, Angela!) I'm very paranoid about this. Angela's own shower was great. It was comfortable and there were lots of people there supporting her and tons of presents. She even had five close friends who threw the shower for her. I was a bit envious but mostly happy for her.

I have this image of mine where there are about 5 people who show up, that's including me and Angela (if she hasn't had her own baby by then). My sixteenth birthday party all over again. I have a few loyal friends that I know will come regardless of how socially inept I am and I thank God for them. I should probably thank them too. When it comes to friends, I'm an idiot. I know people say "be yourself" and I do try to but "myself" is not such a good quality (if people knew half of what was in my heart...)

So I'm terrified that hardly anyone will come. I'm also scared that people who receive the invitations will think since I haven't seen them or spoken to them in awhile that I must just be wanting their presents. The reason I haven't seen or spoken to some is what I've been mentioning all along. I'm terrible at keeping in touch with people. Presents are great but right now I just need to know that people care about me and the pregnancy/baby. That's even more pathetic than just wanting presents.

And since this is my third, it's not all that common to have showers. I thought I was done after two and gave back or sold a lot of what I had. And this one feels different, like the first two were necessary and this one is extra, like dessert. I didn't need it but I wanted it badly at the time without thinking it entirely through (because, let's face it, kids aren't really practical when you think about it and I base 95% of my decisions on practicality). And just like dessert, there are times when I'm excited that I have this extra treat and sometimes I wonder if I took too much. Does that make any sense? Plus, I know what I'm doing and I feel like I'm completely different than I was when I had the other two. There's an eerie calmness to this pregnancy. I'm not sure if it's good or bad.

And if you are reading this and didn't receive an invitation, it's probably because I was too paranoid to invite you, assuming that you wouldn't want to come. Dumb, I know. You can still come if you want.