Little Bit of Nothing

Okay, I'll just be honest. I told myself I wouldn't tell anybody, but it's driving me crazy. Lately I have felt like writing, not just on this blog, but for magazines. It sounds absurd because I am a nobody, but I still feel like writing. I'm not sure how to explain it. I have been studying how to become a freelance journalist and frankly it's a bit overwhelming. There's so much competition. People have so much experience and many have journalism degrees. (I have an education degree, but that counts for squat.) Also, a big also, nobody wants to publish you unless you are already published.

So the questions and voices in my head are asking, "Am I being selfish with my time or selfishly ambitious for money or attention? Why do I want to do this? Shouldn't being a mom be enough? What do you know about anything? You're writing skills aren't good enough and you have no experience. (Okay that last one isn't a question.) How are you ever going to get started? Will your friends think you are arrogant or crazy?"

So then I look to my other shoulder and wonder, "Who is giving me this desire? Is it just me and the big plans I've made for myself? Is God calling me to do this (which is a misused excuse for doing whatever you want when you get an urge)? Why do I feel so discouraged every time I get started on something? Is God telling me He is not in this? Is it me and my own self-loathing? Is it Satan trying to keep me from doing what God has called me to do?"

Since I've been considering doing this, I have had a lot of turmoil. I've been very distracted lately. I'm scared that I'm going to fail. I'm scared that it isn't God's will. (I've been wrong before...many times.) I'm scared that my friends and family won't take me seriously. (Jesus said a prophet isn't accepted in his hometown and I understand what He means.) But, it sure would be wonderful to make a little money and have some creative outlet. I feel bad saying it, but I can't stand just being a mom 100% of the time. I want something else to balance it out. Is that wrong or will this potential balance make me a better mom? In theory, it's the best of both worlds. A satisfying job where I can stay home with my kids and have complete flexibility and freedom to work as much and whenever I want. It's very alluring, another reason I'm so wary of jumping in headfirst.

If I do this, I want to stick to topics I care about, those being motherhood and marriage and possible a few miscellaneous topics. Also, if I do this, I will need anecdotes, quotes and ideas from real people. I can't make it up, as tempting as that is. So I may call on friends for their input...starting now -

1) What was your favorite/most helpful marriage book and why?

(Mine right now is His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley but I'm probably forgetting some because it's been a while since I read any. I don't really need any help. (Uh yeah right.)

2) Husbands: What do you wish your wife understood about you?
Wives: What do you wish your husband understood about you?

3) What kinds of articles do you enjoy reading and what issues would you like to see addressed? (Nothing political. My hatred of politics is bound to show if I wrote about it.)

Thanks for letting me ramble on. It's good to get it off my chest. Please don't think less of me if all this amounts to nothing. I have a habit of getting really into something only to back out when I get scared.