Hey, Jason.

Christmas has come and gone. Thank God. I've turned into a real scrooge. I like Christmas less and less each year, therefore, this year was the worst. I just can't figure out what Christmas is about anymore. I know it has something to do with Jesus' birthday. What, then, are all these presents and trees for? How do presents and decorations and forced get-togethers bring me closer to the Lord? God did not tell us how to celebrate Jesus' birth so we made stuff up ourselves. That never goes well. I just want to know what I can do to really celebrate Jesus in a special way that I'm not necessarily called to do everyday. How can I make Christmas special? It's definitely not presents for me. That's just not my love language at all. I don't enjoy getting presents. In fact I dislike getting presents. I can't really explain that. I just don't want anything. Cash is good though. I just don't like stuff. It complicates my life and makes me uncomfortable.

On a brighter note, it's been 3 weeks since Luke was born and I'm feeling pretty good. I look less tired. I even laid on my stomach a few times. I've popped my back a few times. I really missed that while I was pregnant. I'm playing with Abby more. I can sneeze, cough, and laugh with relative ease. I lost 22 pounds in 2 1/2 weeks. I have some great pictures of Luke being born and being held by our family and friends. Yep.

It's been 11 days. I feel really good right now. I still look like I've been beat up though. My incision hardly hurts at all. Luke is eating great. I love that I can breastfeed him so easily. Well, it's not very easy three times a night, but I know that's temporary. My milk lets down a little too often but that will get better too. Everyday is better than the last it seems. Jason was so great the week he was "off." He washed the dishes, made meals, got Luke for me in the middle of the night and stayed up with him the few times he wouldn't sleep. He did the shopping and some cleaning. He paid a lot of attention to Abby which was difficult for me at first. He was patient through my hormonal swings. He even did work for QHA just about everyday. He needed to go back to work this week just to get a break. Beth and my mom made us food. And just about everybody else has offered their services. I appreciate it all but I don't really need anything. I've healed very quickly like last time, but my scar actually looks a lot better. I was expecting it to be worse but Leinenbach told me in the OR that she wanted to make it better this time. Great! I'm a little anxious to take both kids out on my own. I like challenges but I'm afraid it will be stressful for me because I like things to be peaceful and simple.

We put all of our Christmas decorations up. Other than the tree it's a bit cluttered for my taste. I'm not a big fan of seasonal decorations. Jason says it feels like other people's stuff is all over the house. I guess I feel obligated to decorate because I've been given so many decorations. Whatever. I'm just happy.

Okay, at this point I'm pretty happy about the C-section decision. I love knowing when things will happen so I know how to plan. I'm very goal-oriented so I love having a deadline to get things done. And now I have time to mentally prepare for surgery, though I think that less thinking is best. I'll have a spinal which is a one time shot in my spine. That sure beats 4 epidurals last time. However, last time I was already in pain so the epidurals were nothing. Now I have to, in full health and mental capacity, sit still and voluntarily let someone stick a needle in my precious spine. But they say I will feel less during the surgery than last time. Of course, last time they said I wouldn't feel a thing (all lies). I'm also looking forward to being mentally alert this time. I'm even going to ask to see Luke coming out. I dig that stuff. With Abby I was out of it. I hardly knew I had a baby. I couldn't even open my eyes. I want that moment of total elation when the baby comes out all slimy and ready to cry. From what I hear, the whole thing should be a lot easier than last time, and, other than labor, it was very easy. It's possible we won't have him exactly at 5 if there are any emergencies in front of us so I recommend visitors come over the weekend. I might even know you are there this time. I slept through most visitors last time. I can't believe this is almost over. Awesome!

Another doctors appointment today. I really had myself convinced that I would be dilated so she could strip my membranes (look it up) and then maybe we'd be in labor within the next few days. I was the exact same as before (fingertip, 25% effaced). The doctor couldn't do a thing for me. She was honest enough to tell me that she didn't think I was going to dilate on my own. That's the same problem I had with Abby. I had been praying about this for so long. I was praying for God to use the doctor to tell me the truth. So, if I'm going to have a c-section again, why be pregnant for a few more weeks waiting for something that's not going to happen? I'm due Saturday, so Jason and I decided to schedule a c-section for this Friday. The 5th sounds like a good birthday. That way I'll be in the hospital over the weekend and Jason will be at home with me through the week. I'm coming to terms with this decision pretty quickly. I cried a lot this morning in the doctor's office but now I'm feeling relatively good about this. At least I have something definite to plan around. More on this later I assume.